Friday, July 25, 2014

Sorrow Fills Our Hearts As We Hope Peace Finally Fills Yours

I started off with every intention to finish the post about baby girl's first birthday. Fighting back tears as I go through pictures of my beautiful friends and family. Only to feel like I am holding onto something that I shouldn't right now. Our experiences are coveted. I want to hold these moments tight to my heart. But right now, all I can do is shed these tears of anger, tears of regret, tears of sorrow. Words cannot express how my heart aches for family. And yet, I need to get this out as my husband has boarded on his flight, heading out to remember. I am thankful he has his sister by his side to be there on this journey with him.


There is do much to say and not enough space to say it in. I cannot begin to express the multitude of feelings that comes with loosing a loved one. Especially when that person decides to take their own life.

It hurts. Suicide hurts everyone. 

Pain is hard. Life is hard. It is not meant to be easy. I take comfort in knowing that, it makes life more real. More meaningful. It gives me the courage to push through, most of the time. I know, depression just makes everything harder.

...I sit in bed by myself writing this. It's comfortable, it's soft. But really, it's the opposite end of the house from the children's rooms. They don't need to hear me cry more than they already have. The tears still come in a constant steady stream...

I can only imagine how someone must feel to make the decision that taking their life is the only way. My first thought was "how selfish" But what a horrible thing to think? Was it selfishness? I don't know. 

How much suffering you must have had, how much pain and sorrow in your own heart. I hurt for you. I hurt for the people closest to you. 

Your children will not be able to see the pride in your face as they learn to ride a bike without training wheels, catch the pop-fly out into left field, walk across the graduation stage. Or, as you walk her down the aisle holding your hand as you lead her up to a man willing to love her as much as you have.. As you watch your son standing there with a smile on his face as he sees his bride in her gown for the first time.

Or hold your wife's hand as you experience these things together. The possibility of holding your grandchildren for the first time. Happy to see and experience a baby all over again, knowing that your children have a beautiful miracle of their own.

Is it selfish to expect that you should still be here with us? Perhaps.

It will still be hard. It's not meant to be easy...

We will love you always and remember you as you were when you were happy.  

And now, all I can do is ask.

I know you loved your family. I pray they remember your love. That they are given strength to carry on.

I pray that your heart now feels love and peace and that your mind is finally at ease. 

Ray - 7/7/88 - 7/22/14
Rest in Peace, Our Cousin
7/7/1988 - 7/22/2014