Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Sunday Lately: Venting On a Tuesday {Week 70}

This last Sunday's prompt were Completing, Visiting, Repeating, Writing, Scheduling.
A little but of truth for me is in this post. This is not a feel good post, nor is it positive. I'm not in a feel good mood, nor a good place right now. Things are hard, life is hard. It's not meant to be easy but sometimes a little ease in life, like in our clothes, would be nice.

Completing...
One of the few feel good things going on... I've been working on one of my unfinished objects/works in progress. I figured maybe getting some of these taken care of it might help me feel better, reduce clutter and make room for getting my craft stuff out of the craft room and into the master bedroom since it will take up less space. 

A photo posted by JessiBerry (@jessiberry09) on

Visiting...
These last few weeks I have had some friends come out and visit me. It's been great. I've gotten help with the dishes and the laundry. It's amazing the difference companionable help makes. Especially since I realized that I am suffering from post-partum depression. I haven't told everyone, and haven't talked about it with the husband yet. I know I should talk to him, and contact some people to help. But then it boils down to the fact that I feel embarrassed and don't feel like I can get to the sessions. Childcare, for one, is a big stress and anxiety issue for me and I have been avoiding calling. Of course, that also means I have to talk to the husband too and... Well, that's terrifying too since I am scared I wont have support or understanding, which is a lie I tell myself. I need to listen to those friends whom have visited me instead of those untrue thoughts.

Repeating...
I have been working on finding some positive thoughts to repeat to myself on days that are hard. Though, once those hard days come, I usually forget those thoughts and are faced fighting those ones that aren't true but demeaning my role as a mom and wife. Do you have any positive things you say to yourself when you feel down?

Writing...
I haven't written much, if at all. I've been to worried that the depression would come out in the words and in my voice. It's hard to sound upbeat when the voice in your head is even monotone and lacks inflection. I was given a journal by an ex while we were dating. I used it to write a lot; poetry, good things, complaints, praises, hopes, disappointments, everything. Well, he read it and said he got it for me to write the good stuff. Needless to say, that and other reasons are why that relationship didn't go far. Since then I have a hard time writing (or even talking to people) when things aren't positive or feel good. So I sit with my thoughts locked in my head festering and effecting my attitude and relationships (like with my kids and my husband)... It's hard. How do you even start that conversation, especially when fear is ruling everything in your head?

Scheduling...
It's my birthday on Sunday. I should have scheduled something. Goodness knows it is the only way that it would happen. But given the depression and anxiety and the little lies I have been telling myself, no celebration has been scheduled. Even thinking about it my anxiety goes through the roof and I feel sick to my stomach. It's on Mother's Day, my birthday. At one point in my childhood I had been told that Mother's Day would be celebrated instead of my birthday. I guess I dread the falling on the same day that has made this harder. And I feel sad that I probably wont be celebrating it because I haven't planned anything. I plan the parties for everyone else. For once I want someone to plan something for me without me having to do anything accept say yes or agree. What do I want for my birthday? To feel taken care of without having to feel like I have to be the one to do the taking care of, you know, like what us mother's do.

So, now that I have scared you all off...
What do you do when things get hard and your emotions are not in a good place? 
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