I Don't Like "Rainbow Fish": I'm Not Alone {and} Why We Will Still Read It {Parenthood}

I was first introduced to "Rainbow Fish" by Marcus Pfister for Virtual Book Club for Kids. The library wait for the hardback was forever and a day, so I decided to go with the board book. After all how different could the board book be? That was my first experience with board books being a slightly condensed version of the actual book. My impression of that book was less than thrilling.

Fast forward a few years. Our MOPs group brought back the Book Club for Kids we started my year as the events and creative activities person. The host picks a book, does a craft, and maybe a snack to go with it.  

The recent pick was the "rainbow fish". 

My son is studying rainbow fish in second grade. I realized in some conversation with him that I hadn't read the full story, or there was something I was missing.

I decided to go and experience the book in a new light. So many people enjoy this book. I felt I must have been missing something.

And... I missed parts talking to some other moms.

I decided to find a reading on youtube. We sat and listened to the whole story. I was let down by the story again. 

The artistry is alluring. I understand the want to teach our kids to share. It's the premise behind the type of sharing that drives me nuts about the book. There was more to it and I couldn't put my finger to what I didn't like. 

So I set to trusty Google to see what else others might have said. I can't be alone in my opinion in this over-opinionated cyber world. I found at least 4 (here, here, here, and here) posts. The rest, several pages were art activities for kids. Yet. I am not alone in my opinion of the book. Thank goodness, at least.

1st issue. overly prideful. I have this same issue with Thomas the Train. Yet, kids are like this. We weren't born void of sin, so that's understandable. The colorful fish would flaunt his scales to the other fish even though they wanted to play with him. Now there is nothing wrong with taking pride in god given gifts, abilities, and traits. Yet, flaunting them is not ok. The rainbow fish wanted to know why the other fish turned their backs? Maybe if he made more of an effort to play. It wasn't the fact that he had the scales and didn't share that was the problem, but the fact that he was flaunting them to the other fish.

2nd issue, the demanding little blue fish. Like so many of the other posts, this one bugs me. The rainbow fish had every right to say no to giving away his scale to the little blue fish. It was not asked of him to give a scale away but demanded. We don't demand things in this house. We ask nicely. At least that is what I tell myself and remind my children when they demand. After the octopus said his thing and the little blue fish came back further irritated me. Starting to not be mad because he only wanted one scale. Again, a demand. Not asking nicely.

3rd issue, the other fish only played with him after he gave his scales away. Like another of the posters stated, what if there were more fish and he didn't have enough scales to give to them all? He is essentially buying his friends using the scales? Are those fish true friends? Taken literally, should we harm ourselves for the sake of having someone as a friend?

My husband found it nuts that he wasn't happy until all the fish were the same, with one shiny scale per fish. He claims socialism undertones.

What I wish was that there was more to the growing happier when giving his scales away. More towards the rainbow fish's change in behavior and attitude and less about the fish taking away the scales and playing with him because they have a scale. Don't get me wrong. Generosity and giving is a good thing to promote, it's the premise behind it that bugs me the most.

Now, I'm not going to shun this book from my house.

The best thing about this book? All the room for this book gives for meaningful discussion with the kids. Life isn't perfect. Stories aren't going to present and solve problems perfectly. This book gives so much for us to use with our kids from the behavior of the rainbow fish to the little fish.

I hope my kids will be better than to flaunt something in front of their friends. I hope they don't demand things from their friends or expect their friends to give them something just because they have so much. I hope they know that it is ok to say no to giving a piece of themselves away, that those people aren't going to be very good friends if they demand or expect that.

All those points you can use throughout the book and talk about. We were lucky. My son brought up the book and a writing assignment he had from their study. What kinds of things can you share with your friends? He didn't know. It also happened to be my daughter's 5th birthday and she picked the meal. My son threw a fit because he didn't want to eat it. She picked chicken wings, tater tots, salad, and rolls and he didn't want to eat the bone-in chicken wings. It was the perfect opportunity to talk about the kinds of things that we can share vs. things we might not want to share and don't have to share. Our now 5-year-old chose to share some of her favorite food with her family because it is something she enjoys. My son decided to eat the food despite the bones in the chicken. He enjoyed dinner, and ate more than what my husband and I anticipated. And, he said he had an idea for his writing assignment.

I still don't like the book. It's not a favorite. But we may not have had the discussion at dinner about sharing. I hope that we can read that book and use those disliked elements for developing further meaningful conversations with my kids.

Making an Announcement {Motherhood}

This post contains affiliate links. I receive a small commission only if you were to make a purchase at no extra cost to you. All views expressed are my own.

I have managed to keep this secret (kind of) from the social media world. Mostly my general facebook account and other media outlets. Yes, it has come out in some of the groups! It is so hard keeping something like this a secret! Especially when it feels so exciting! How long have you kept something a secret?

It was the beginning of December when I first suspected. It was way to soon to really tell, but I had a feeling. My husband just laughed at me when I told him, but I could see the wheels in his head turning.

We told the kids New Year's Eve. We weren't just celebrating the coming of a new year, but also celebrating...

the coming of a new...  Baby!

We are beyond excited!

We found out the gender a little over a month ago, and we couldn't be happier the baby looks healthy. The most important thing is a healthy baby.

I know Nikolai is beyond words excited he is getting a little brother!

2 of each.

Our little guy is due to arrive on or around August 24th.

I figured I should probably say something if I wanted to share some new items I am working on for a mini capsule (and the need for it since I got rid of most of my maternity clothes!) Oops!

Yes, I made the kids shirts! How could I not?! Especially after how much I loved these!

Nikolai's

GYCT Primary Tee. size: 6 in width and 8 in length. It is perfect.

Samara's

GYCT Tinley Tee. size: 4. I made it with the flutter sleeves and without the waist binding.

Kiera's

GYCT Tinley Tee size: 2 taken in a little in the width. Also with flutter sleeves and plain hemming.

Baby Boy

PAB Rompalls. size: newborn. Pants length. It seems so tiny and yet so big for a newborn!

I used a freezer paper stencil to make the design on the shirts (though I am wishing I had a machine that worked to cut some htv!).

I love these so much! I'm hoping we might be able to use the baby boy's as a going home outfit or something. Either way, I'm excited!

Bonus! GYCT is having a summer sale until the 20th! Perfect time to pick up the tinley and primary tee!

Budgeting Back to School {HomeLife}

I kind of have been working on the back to school budget. Woah. Back to school what?!? It's only May!

I know. I actually worked on the budget back in February.

It was the "kinder round up" which prompted me deciding to start it then. Especially since Samara starts kindergarten in the next school year!

Our school year here in Arizona (and I am fairly certain it is most of the state) starts at the beginning of August. The district in which we live starts in the middle of July. It is a modified year-round, so our summer is shorter, but we get longer breaks.

Starting the budget for it in February gives 5 months to save up for buying the supplies, clothes and other necessities. It is easier to save earlier than to start saving later. Plus it is a bonus to plan for the cost non-sale items and have money left over.  I think after this next year I'll start saving right after the start of the year instead of only the 5 months I gave myself this year (this is all in theory anyway. I may forget! Ha!).

I'm fairly thankful our school has the supply shopping lists for each grade posted on the website. I don't know what my parents did in the time of no internet. I remember getting the shopping lists at school, was it at the end of school for the next year or at the beginning of the school year I do not remember. But I need so much more time than that to plan. It must be my type A personality. I'm just thankful I can access it anytime.

I used the list from the website and entered each item into a spreadsheet. I used google sheets because it's easy to access from my phone and computer straight from my google drive. The columns from there are the total of the item, running total to spend, what I spent per item, running total spend and the difference. Here is an example of the columns...

I did this for the optional items as well. If we can save up for those we would try, but I am not too worried about those.

To find the cost of the items, I went online and checked out Walmart, Office Max, and Target for their current cost of items. I'll be honest, some costs carried over from previous years and I didn't bother to check those. I tried to make it as up to date as I felt necessary. I'll see next year how much it changes.

I took the final tally and divided it amongst the paychecks between then and the start of the school year. And each kid has their own budget, they each get their own line.

It helps to keep up with what you spent the previous year. I did this for when my first started kindergarten as well and discovered I underbudgeted for some of his clothes. The difference for things like his backpack made up for the amount I was short (I only spent half), but I have since adjusted those overspent amounts. Tabs at the bottom help keep track of it.

This year I plan on working on keeping the kids with a capsule wardrobe (yup. love those things) to limit the number of clothes they have and so I do not need to spend too much money on things for them (and don't forget not having loads of laundry). Luckily, for now, they still have shirts that fit. Pants, shorts, and undergarments will be the biggest expenditure for clothes.

I'm excited. I love shopping for school supplies and new clothes.

I'm sure the way I do it is either harder than it has to be or too simple.

How do you budget for the school year?

The Longest Month of School {Parenthood}

 I pick up my son from school, we are a couple weeks into the month. He looks at me and asks, "Mom, when is the next half day." He looks tired. The homework load is getting harder to help prepare for the next grade level and he has not been sleeping well. Sure he has been waking up early and able to get to school on time in the morning, but it's taking its toll on his poor little body. I can tell he is overtired, his action lately has proven his exhaustion. I feel like the only thing to do know is to start counting down the days to summer break.

April. This is the month where our state does their standardized testing (we aren't there yet in 1st grade thankfully!). It is the only month during the school year without a break, a day off or a half-day to make it feel like it goes by faster. Now that I double check the calendar, there is nothing until the end of school at the end of May! Because of this, it feels like the longest last couple months of the school year.

I look back at my little guy while he sits and waits nicely, rather uncharacteristically patient of him to do, for my response. I know when the next half day takes place. I just don't know if I want to tell him he still has another month before he gets the respite he so clearly wants right now. The last day off he had from school was Good Friday, a couple weeks prior.

Last year we were invited to a cousins wedding on the east coast and took a week off from school and work to make a vacation of the trip. We missed a whole week out of this long month, so our experiences were entirely different. Even with half-day kindergarten, I could tell he needed a break midway through this month. This is our first full-day school year, and it seems to make this month a little bit harder.

This year I don't have the vacation to give that buffer for us. I would much rather do something to survive this month without having to go about counting down for summer. Even though we are at the end of the year I still want to maintain that certain level of excitement about attending school. It's so hard to do though when the kids feel like they need a break.

I had spent some time thinking about activities I can do with the kids to keep them occupied and active. The kids love to spend time watching t.v. which was one of the last things I wanted to spend time doing this month and until school lets out. I searched for activities to do outside with the kids, though most activities seemed to be summer based. Those would be fun, but a bit too involved and planning necessary for a weekend or after-school activity. I felt I needed something structured for them.

As I watch my kids play after we get home I realize sometimes it is the unstructured activity they need to unwind. This last month + of school is already going to be structured time upon structured time. I can hear the three of them laughing from one of their bedrooms as they goof off and play. I can't help but smile at the sounds of their free time together. No expectations (aside from the love and kindness expectations we have within our family).

I think we are going to take it easy during this final stretch of the school year. I know I will be asked a few more times when the next half day or day off will be. But, until that moment comes I won't try to push activities on them, I will let them come up with their own games on their own. We will survive this exhausting time day by day. Slowly. Because sometimes it's ok to just let the kids do their own things.

Getting back on Track with Cleaning {Home Life}

You know those mornings you wake up and enter the main living area of your house and it is spotless? No? Me neither.

I wake up in the master bedroom to a disaster (still). The rest of the house just seems to follow suit, though it is not nearly as bad as the bedroom.

Things sort of fell to the wayside after fall break from school. I have been playing catch up since. But in all honesty it really hasn't been too bad.

Yes:
~The kids have way more clothes than they can wear in 2 weeks (forget trying to wash that many clothes).
~I have way more clothes than I need (and thankfull I don't wear them all, laundry would be aweful)!
~The kids have toys they haven't played with since being babies, and yet those still get scattered around the house.

About a year ago I took a free challenge (sent over email) with Kendra Hennessy over at Mother Like a Boss called the Reluctant Homemaker Boot Camp. She now has it as a paid course. It makes me sad as I wish I could go through it again. (I am not recieving anything for this post. no affiliate, no free courses, this is not an advertisement)

It was amazing. I needed it like a kick in the butt to get me up and doing things after my mother-in-law passed away to be able to even try to stay on top of things. We were the 'wait until a big even at the house before we started cleaning' type cleaners. The thing that helped me the most was establishing a simple cleaning schedule for the week. Not icluding yearly or monthly tasks, just what needed to get done during the week. Forgetting all those printables you can find off pinterest. My schedule was tailored for me.

I had a friend visit a few weeks after implementing my schedule and she had even complemented on the cleanliness of my house (I had no idea how bad it was before, aparently.)

Anywho. I wrote down all the areas I needed to clean during the week. Only things I needed to do, not necessarily the kids. And I didn't manage to fit in the master bedroom which is probably why it is still a clutter disaster! Hey now, I have gotten rid of quite a bit of stuff! Work-in-progress....

I picked days that would be easiest to clean those areas, and restricted myself to 30 minutes (some weeks it was more some it was less). I was cleaning the baseboards just to find something to clean for my designated 30 minutes that week. When it starts out not a grimey mess, it takes less time to clean! (mind blown moment for me! Yay aha! moments! Ha!) Seriously, it was amazing the difference!

I even had laundry days devoted to each person in the house (except husband, he is in charge of his own laundry). I had cleaned off the top of the dryer during my laundry room cleaning day (it also houses the cat box) and was able to start using the top of the dryer for my laundry station.

My house wasn't spotless. Don't get me wrong. But it was much nicer than the mess it was before.

And, then I stopped for a while. And my house became the disaster area it was before I started.

But, we are getting back on track! I'm jumping back on the cleaning schedule train and it has made such a big difference in my house! This (coupled with other things) has actually saved me a bit of time during the day so I can do things I would rather do (like writing this stuff for you!) and sewing, and working on decluttering my craft/office space!

I don't have a multi-level house. It's not a super huge house (but not super tiny either). That said I want to share with you what I do for my areas. (Not that it is necessary for you, you have a completely different life in a different house!)

The areas I wrote down and decided I needed to focus on for my family:

Living areas - More specifically, the carpet. Lets face it. Kids and carpet do not mix well. Add to it we live in an area surrounded by dirt! I should vacuum more than once a week. But I vacuum once a week. The kids have to make sure all their stuff is picked up by the time we reach vacuum day or it's getting tossed.

The kids bathroom, Master bathroom. Everything that goes with cleaning a bathroom. And, I only have one little boy! I focus on each bathroom on a different day. As time passes I might start combining these two.

Kitchen - wiping down the dining table, washing placemats, sweeping and mopping the floor, and the stove, declutter counters, clean out uneaten food from the fridge. I try to sweep every evening. For several years (excpet last year when I was keeping up with the schedule) we had ants invade our kitchen around the start of our monsoon season. I try to do dishes every night too. If there is room in the washer I will fill it with the spoon rest and coffee pot. After it finishes running I open it and leave it open to dry more and will put it away while the kids eat breakfast. I also wanted this as close to trash day for yucky food coming out of the fridge so it wouldn't sit in the bin too long.

Laundry Room - why is it that clothes and towels always seem to pile up in here? I will do an extra load if necessary or move those things to their proper hampers. I focus on the floor with sweeping and mopping. Our a/c and heater intake is in this room so I will dust around it and make sure the filter is ok. I also clean the cat box and make sure the cat's bowls are clean. It's not a big room. More like a hot halway with wa washer and dryer included. I wanted this one closest to trash pick up for the cat box reasons.

I divided these amongst the weekdays, since the weekends are super busy.

Monday - Vaccuum (main living spaces and kids rooms)
Tuesday - Kids bathroom
Wednesday - kitchen
Thursday - Laundry room
Friday - master bath (trash day)

Next I fit in the laundry. There was nothing specific to it. It's just the way it fell and the way it stayed.

Monday - N
Tuesday - S
Wednesday - K
Thursday - Me
Friday - Towels
Saturday - Sheets

It's taken us a few weeks to get back into the habit of keeping things off the floor for the vacuuming day and getting caught up with the buildup from the last 6 months. But, it has started to feel decently livable and comfortable. And I am not spending all day playing catch up cleaning. I am limiting myself to 30 minutes so I can do other things. If it's not done I will come ack to it next week. And I am getting better at putting things away instead of leaving them out so I don't have to waste time on that when I spend the time cleaning.

This, coupled with meal prepping on Sunday (I will talk about that later), has made a huge difference in the amount of time I have during the week. I am still learning, but it has been great!

When do you do your cleaning? Were you like our "before", did you clean it when it looked dirty, or do you have more of a schedule?

What is This 'Calm' You Speak Of? {My One Word Update}

I was holding my breath, trying to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs. I needed to let it loose. I don't doubt my face was turning red. I'm sure the kids weren't positive how to handle mommy at that moment. The look of fear was plain to see in their bulging eyes, but then so was their attempts to stifle laughs as per the shape of their upturned little mouths. But good gravy man alive, if I had told them not to do something over and over again, day in and day out only for them to do it. I'm going to lose it. Or make a spectacle of myself trying not to. This was one of those times. I was making a spectacle of myself. At least it was from the comfort of my home without the many spectators at, say, Walmart. 

Me trying to stay calm is like telling the tide to stay out. Or, at least, that is how it feels to me. Especially when it feels the children are refusing to follow directions. It's amazing how something so simple seems to be forgotten at the drop of a hat. But, that is beside the point. They are children after all. Me on the other hand. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be a better mom. A better wife. A better me. I need to find some calm so I can be that better me that I know is in there. Somewhere.

Calmness.

I've been working on it. It has been 6 months since I made that my "one word" for the year and a million other things have crept up. I kept thinking that I should change it. But that would defeat the purpose of picking that word, of being guided through prayer and circumstance to that word. 

This is where that word has directed me so far this year.

I need to be intentional. 

Intentional with the kids: setting boundaries, laying down the rules for particular playtime, intentional with stating my expectations for them, intentional with setting them up for a great day. It's amazing how much I can do to make the day run smoothly. Of course, it is always after the fact when I smack my forehead and tell myself, "well Jess, all that frustration could have been avoided if you had just done _______." Yeah. Intentional. How many times do I lose my cool only because the kids just didn't know what was expected? It's not an innate quality of life. We are here to teach and guide them. They don't know unless I tell them, teach them, help them. 

Same with the Husband. Mostly this focus is expectations. He doesn't know unless I tell him. My mom-in-law said something along the lines of that. She was so right. And it is so true. I'm trying to tell him more. I let him know that I need to know too. It's amazing how much of my frustration with the kids was just bouncing off the frustration with him. That frustration stops there when we know what is expected when we know and understand the disappointment and can correct it at the source rather than spread it around to everyone. It's easier to forgive and ask for forgiveness when we know where we fell short.

I need to set goals for myself.

Now, I know what you are saying. "Hellooo, Jessi. Isn't that the purpose of the One Word? Not to have those resolutions and new years goals hovering over you all year only to fail because you didn't even work on them?" Umm... yes... but, no. Not those kinds of goals. Goals like, what kind of person do you want to be in 6 months? Your situation and circumstance is due in part to the type of person you are, right? So, the best way to change things is to set those goals for you. Set yourself up for the growth.

I want to be the type of person who finishes things. Like, projects and the simple act of putting things away. (seriously, how hard is it to put a pair of scissors away instead of leaving it on the counter, but I do it all the time!) In order to get there, I need materials and a place to work in. I have the materials and space but it is so disorganized. My brain is disorganized. The clutter is out of this world. I don't like waking up to a huge heaping mess in my room/office/craft room. I get out of bed cranky just looking at it. I do all I can just to avoid being around all that stuff!

Honestly. We had all the kids' toys (and I mean ALL of them) in our bedroom. Right at the foot of our bed. it was awful. We had bought a new thing and needed a place to put it. The space where the kids' toys were happened to be the best place for that huge thing. So we gave the kids their toys back. 

Having the room to move back was amazing! It helped me realize that I need to clear out some of the stuff I already have to make the room I need to be able to do the things I want to do (phew, that was a mouthful!). I am in the process of getting rid of a lot of stuff. Husband questions lots of it, too. He even suggested getting a shed to store fabric and things. I would almost never go into a shed for fabric. Create room by making a house just for fabric? A dream to some sewists, I get that. Maybe one day in the past it would have sounded perfect to me. I have read so many places "You cannot keep all the things and keep a clean house". I need to get a control on the excess first. I want to feel that I created the space by being better, not just shifting it from one building to another.

Now that all those things are making their way into the living spaces to be sorted, organized, and gone through, I find I have been getting more irritable more quickly. Mess? Yeah, mess, you gotta go and that means a lot of the stuff has gotta go too. 

I need to find contentment with what I have.

I need to not buy more stuff if I am getting rid of it, right? I need to be happy with thankful for what I have. I need to pass on those things so others that need it (or rather, want it) can get a hold of it and I need to do so with joy in my heart. That's such a big thing. Do the things with joy in your heart. It's amazing how much that joy can overflow. 

I'm working on a contentment challenge that will go through until Christmas. Just what I needed at the time I came to the realization that I needed it. Perfect.

I'm not perfect. Staying calm will always be a work in progress.

I imagine I will continue to hold my breath to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs just to vent frustration. After all, kids are the kings and queens of blatant disregard for rules and I am only human, after all. 

The fact that these lessons are coming up for me is just evidence that I am focusing on the right "one word" this year. I am doing my best to listen, pray, and learn. It's not easy, but then when is life ever easy?

What was your focus this year? What have you learned from it so far?

Mom Life: Let's Speak with Compassion and Grace

"If I can clean my house, vacuum my floor, do the dishes and still play with my kids anyone can do it. They are just being lazy moms."

I read a comment similar to this not too long ago. It made my heart rate speed up, my hands start to shake and I needed to talk to someone immediately lest I blow up at some unsuspecting person (namely the children due to proximity).

The comment was tagged with a blog post here. Now I can totally respect a mom saying to another mom, "it's ok, you can do the dishes. The kids wont miss anything and you wont miss anything. Just do the dishes." Sometimes we just need to hear that it is ok. In fact I try to keep on top of the dishes fairly regularly in my house. Sure sometimes it sits a little bit especially when it comes to unloading the dishwasher when the toddler is awake. Goodness knows that girl will drag every single spoon, fork and everything within reach all over the house only for me to need to wash them again.

But, if you were to come over a year ago, the kitchen counters would have been covered in dirty dishes. Cups with milk in the bottom, plates with syrup and crumbs, sticky pots and pans on my stove. I'll stop before I gross myself out. But, you get the idea!

Would I have called myself lazy? Probably. But why do that to myself? I was in a season of life where I felt I couldn't do anything right. Postpartum depression had taken over my life and you would have been lucky just to catch me in something other than my pjs! I wasn't lazy; I was sick. If anything, I was in a season where I needed compassion the most. I needed some grace.

Fast forward to about a month ago and you would have found me with a bunch of dirty cups all over my counters and sinks and clean ones in the dishwasher just waiting to be put away.

But that was the season of life I was in. I had 10 people staying in my house and we were grieving the loss of my mother-in-law. She was dearly loved and is dearly missed. My focus was not the dishes, but the people. The dishes would get done eventually. My people needed compassion. We all needed some grace.

Just like the seasons change throughout the year, so we enter seasons of motherhood. Seasons where our houses are spotless and every dish and cup gets cleaned immediately. Seasons where we can barely lift our bodies of the couch to eat a chip let alone cook a full course meal for our families.

Just like the seasons we enter, there is a blog post to coincide. It makes us feel guilty that we aren't doing the dishes when we know we should. Guilty that we aren't playing with our kids the way we feel we should. Guilty that we are being lazy. Let's speak with compassion and grace. Goodness knows we have enough guilt without having other moms adding to it.

Hugs to you momma.

Hugs to you for the season you are in. Whether it be with an itty bitty baby, a school aged minion, a teenager, or any of the seasons in between. Hugs to you with your dishes in the cupboard or in the sink.

Tough love is one thing. But, compassion gives so much more. We all need some grace. There is a reason these times are called seasons. They wont last forever.

Let us watch our words and speak with grace. Someone may be in a tough season of life and need to be shown some compassion. You just might not know who. One day, it may be you.

I Love Food {I Hate Food}

I have a love-hate relationship with food.

You know the battle? I love to eat food. Yummy... Tasteful... Flavorful... I love ingredients that are common but thrown together in such a way which cause your taste buds to dance. I love foreign and exotic flavors from across the globe which add an element of excitement to dinner. I love trying new foods, new recipes, and eating something outside of our normal dinner line up.

But, for the component of supreme dislike: I don't like to prep food. I am not good at taking the time to read the ingredients and follow the directions. I usually end up making a mistake and botch dinner or I change it to the point where it isn't the same and can't recreate the amazing meal. Hey, I'm working on that! But, it probably keeps me from eating all the food all the time! Ha!

The other night I was super excited. I found a cool cookbook at the library and was going to try one of the recipes. It called for wine, an inexpensive cut of beef, some simple ingredients in my cupboard already, and a new veggie I have been trying to fit into dinners lately. It was a win in my book all the way around. I even doubled the sauce, a mistake I thought I learned the week prior with a recipe from the same book. I followed directions, prepped the ingredients, set the crock pot and was good to go!

I loved it. Loved the flavor. Loved how the meat turned out, tender and juicy. I loved the combination of it with the orzo (first time trying that too). Took a bite and I was ecstatic. Looked over at the baby who was happily devouring her food...

See, I have this tendency to cook for the people in my house. I cook to appease the minions. I cook to feed the husband.

This time, I did it. This time I cooked for me.
Love. The. Food.

I look back at the baby who was silently spitting out all her food. The oldest was complaining about the leaves being something you weren't supposed to eat (it was bits of dried basil). My middle was pushing her meat around with her fork and her orzo with her spoon. Husband asked with every bite, "what's this, what's that flavor, what's this flavor".
Hate. The. Food.

We made a meal once and had some people to come over. One of our guests complained about feeling bloated from "eating this junk". That was a few years ago. What we made was from scratch. How could it be junk? It wasn't junk. But it stuck with me. It was enough to discourage me. Maybe there was/is something wrong with my taste buds. Or, maybe my flavor palate is just different.

And now my family was not eating what I had made...  again...

Love the food...

Hate the food...

It's a fine line.

Do I cook to appease the masses? Or do I cook for me?

I think I am just going to start cooking for me. I have a feeling there will always be that love-hate relationship with the food.

My Motherhood is {not} Defined by a Pair of Toddler Jeggings

My life seems to revolve around the kids' clothes. I buy their clothes as they grow bigger. I make their clothes for special events. I wash, dry, fold and put away their clothes as they get dirty. Doesn't it seem like a never ending flow of laundry?! It only gets bigger and bigger and bigger by the day, no matter how many loads are done. Oh yeah, right... I keep buying more... And. cannot forget those outfits and clothes I favor! You know. The ones I feel I need want to take a picture of every. single. time they wear it? Yeah. those ones. They are so gosh darn cute! They should wear it Every Day!! (too much? yeah, too much..) But they are so cute! 

I think it's even harder when those favorite outfits, those favorite pairs of clothes, are hand-me-downs from older siblings. It's as much a favorite then as it is now! And you get to experience all the glorious cuteness again! Like a pair of girl's toddler jeggings. The kind that actually looks like jeans, but isn't. It even had pockets, real pockets, on the back with the word "love" embroidered on them. I swear, it was my go to pair of pants for my middle when she wore that size and by golly, it's my go to pair now for my munchkin too. But gee whiz if I never got a picture of those darn cute pants with 'love' on their little bottoms! Gah, I love them even now!

What happened to those favorite pair of pants? Gone. Vanished! Off the face of the earth! (ok, maybe not off the face of the earth, but it sure felt like it!) I was in a state, looking everywhere. Literally turned the diaper bag inside out, looking for those pants. Could. Not. Find. Them. I was devastated. Seriously, ugly cried about a silly pair of toddler jeggings with the word 'love' embroidered on the back pockets. I try to justify my feelings by saying they are one of the few pairs we have which actually fit. They are one of the few pairs she can wear with everything. But, all that does is make it worse. I become more of a basket case.

How in the world did I end up in such a state over a pair of pants? It's not just the pants! It was a blanket, a pair of shoes, a stuffed animal, a toy car. Something. Something hard to replace. I felt like such a bad mom because there I was yelling, crying, so distraught over a pair of pants. I asked myself how, how could I keep my kids safe and healthy and happy if I cannot even keep track of a simple pair of pants?!?

As I sat on the floor, the contents of the diaper bag surrounding me in the entryway, I realized the absurdity of the statement. My motherhood is not defined by whether or not I've kept track of a pair of pants! How many other items have I lost my cool trying to find? How many other items have I let get to me so much to the point where I feel like a failure because I cannot find them in a moments notice? Why am I letting objects dictate my worth as a parent?

I looked up from my weeping mess on the floor (the Kleenex' adding to the pile surrounding me) and look at my kids. Do they care the pants are gone? no, they care about their mommy weeping on the ground. The baby would rather go naked than wear clothes anyway! They smile at me and ask if I am ok. I'm alright because they are safe and healthy and happy. After all, it was just a pair of pants, right!?!

My house is a mess. Chock full of stuff that doesn't matter, stuff we really don't need. The laundry, be it dirty or clean, scatters it's way across the floor from bedroom to laundry room. I might loose a pair of socks here or there, accidentally leave a spare pair of underwear in the bathroom at the grocery store. Have a shirt fall out of the diaper as I search for my wallet at the gas station. But I can always replace those things. Even if I never got them in a cute dressed up picture I still have the precious moments and memories. I cannot replace my kids. Their smiles are what define my worth as a mom.  They are happy and healthy and safe and they have stayed that way because I focus on them and not the contents of the diaper bag .(hence those lost items!)

You know what happened with the pair of jeggings? I kid you not, it showed up 2 days later. In my son's room. It disappeared long enough for me to have a revelation. I was so upset; I'm surrounded by junk and can't even hold on to a special pair of pants. I needed those special pair of pants to disappear for me to realize where the imposed importance came from.

The pants aren't what was special. My kids made those pants special. 

There will be more things made special because they will make it so. Their smiles, their laughter, their beaming little faces is what will add sentiment to whatever comes next. And, regardless of the endless flow of laundry, I will do my best to remember...

My life is not defined by a pair of toddler pants!