Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Mommy, Wife-e, Jessi

My top 3 identities. I am Nikolai's Mommy, Brandon's Wife, and just me. Only I think I have focused so much on being Mommy and Wife that being just me has been forced into the background. I feel bad because it seems to be affecting the other identities. I just need to find the new balance of throwing one more into the juggling mix.

I feel bad because of it affecting my 'Wife' identity. Poor Brandon. It is not my intention for him to feel bad, but because I feel bad he does too. Like the other day when visiting Brenda and her new beautiful baby girl I said I wanted to just leave Nikolai with Brandon for a day, diapers and feedings and all, and just be "la de da" me. Not saying that his work is fun and games, just sitting around talking to people, but that it gives him the opportunity to be just him, not husband or dad, but Brandon.

It is affecting my 'Mommy' identity because it is getting harder to wake up in the morning. Like today, we slept literally from a little after midnight to about 1 this afternoon (that is on and off again for feedings and diaper changes). But instead of swaddling him and placing him in the bassinet, he was in bed with me. I do not want to do that. Sleep time at night is swaddled and bassinet time. And it was most of the day. Ah, but he was cute in bed with me! 

I have been just editing pictures and spending time on the computer for my identity. It is what I enjoy doing. When I am ready to print pictures to start scrapbooking, they are ready to go. But just the other day, my photo editing software would not open! Ugh! I can't just uninstall and install it again because I no longer have the cd for it. To purchase new software... Oh my goodness! Super expensive! I felt like "What Now?" Ugh!

I was brainstorming with Brandon yesterday what I can do to help with the 'me' identity. He suggested scrapbooking (with the pictures that have been edited, which is maybe a little less than half and not very much). He also suggested going to the movies, out to a restaurant, to the mall. I thought by myself? But I need the outside confirmation I am still me! I guess alone (with little man) is better than not at all. Then I thought maybe I can look into one of those craft classes at JoAnn's or Michael's. Maybe try learning something different.

At least now I understand the reasoning behind baby play-dates. They are not so much for baby play-time as they are for mommy play-time.  A time for mommy's to not just be a mom, but also the adult woman that they are. I just wish there was more time in the day to be all the things I am!