Saturday, March 5, 2011

Is It Enough?


I always ask that of myself and ...



You never know...


I have been doing so much thinking about whether or not what I am doing with Nikolai is enough.  I think back to my conversation with Beth at Chili's and I wondered if I was giving him enough attention. So much of his awake time was spent in his swing, rocker, sitting on the bobby, lying on the play gym so that way I could do laundry, dishes, blog posts, uploading pictures from the computer, email. After a while, I figured he still smiles so he is ok, and we have every morning playing and during the day in between dishes and laundry and everything else. I don't just ignore him completely.

Now I wonder if I am doing Tummy Time enough with him. He still hates it with everything he has. I hate hearing him cry and cry. Either the cries turn into screams or he cries himself to sleep. It is so horrible! Yesterday, he was mad at me! I was playing tummy time with him telling him he does just fine on mommy, he can do it on the mat. But of course he didn't listen and cried himself to sleep. Well, I figure I was going to let him sleep there. I was in the room, I was going to watch him (Back to Sleep, Tummy to Play always makes me feel guilty).  Well, he woke up on his tummy and of course, started crying.

I will be honest. I don't do it everyday. Not on the mat at least. We have done it everyday on Mommy. On Thursday I was doing tummy time on mommy, and what does Nikolai do? He picks up his right arm, throws his little leg around and rolls right off me and onto the sofa! Does that count as a roll over? So I place him on the mat to see what will happen. Sometimes we have a good run and he holds his little head like he does while on me, and sometimes not.  I don't think his little roll over counts. It is easier, I am sure, on me than it is on a flat surface. I just wish he would get used to it.

But then I have wondered if he sleeps too much. He sleeps through the night, granted I don't think he is sleeping the entire time. And then he is down for a nap a few hours after I wake up in the morning. He sleeps for a few hours then cat naps the rest of the day. Maybe if I try to keep him awake longer, he will get more sleep in the middle of the day ... I just am not sure...

I remember having a similar conversation with several different people. Is it enough? So-and-so's baby rolled over at this many months. This person's baby did this at this many months. On and on and on and on...Can't help but feel if my baby didn't and her baby did, did I not do something right? Or am I doing something wrong, or not enough? Every baby is different and they will do their own thing when they are ready. I just don't want to mess it up.

Like in my student teaching, I was told that I cannot mess them (the students) up. Whatever happens, if they don't get it, we try again later. But nothing will happen to mess them up for good, it's do-over-able. Well, this isn't really do-over-able. If I mess this up, is it something that can be fixed? It's not like he is going to get a second mom, like the kids get a second teacher. Of course, I am a Mom now. I will be worrying about this, it is a mom thing. No matter what, there will be worry...

And Nikolai is doing just fine...



15. You will always worry about whether or not what is happening is enough.